Oh, my gosh! I just fell into the trap I grouse about all the time! I just tried to fit the image of perfection again! What a crock!
I had told myself, “I have the relationship every woman dreams of.” I was so proud of my accomplishment. The next morning as Rod and I did our daily Course in Miracles lessons over coffee, I asked him how he felt about something. He refused to go there. It hit me. I don’t have the relationship every woman dreams of! Here’s my man, once again, absolutely unwilling to express his feelings no matter how many subtle, or not so subtle, angles I try.
Shame jumped in. “You are such an idiot! You think you’ve got it made but you’re lying to yourself again. This relationship lacks a crucial element but you have to keep convincing yourself it’s perfect.”
Then I noticed the familiar pattern. I began to dream of being with my true soul mate, the one who will not only express his feelings to me but be perfectly supportive and loving all the time. Someday this relationship with Rod will have run its course and I will move on to an even better relationship.
These are the old hooks I’ve always cast to manage my disappointment with Rod. But this time I didn’t bite. I caught myself falling into the trap, the one that tells me that someday I’ll be perfect. Someday I’ll have the perfect relationship. Someday I’ll be a role model to women of what you can attain if you only work hard enough.
That’s the crock. There is no someday. I picked up my coffee cup and left the room. Roiling emotions stirred my heart and gut. I breathed, and checked in with my inner voice. “Forgive.”
“Ok. I forgive Rod for not wanting to be vulnerable and express his feelings. I forgive myself for wanting that from him and for wanting the perfect relationship. I forgive myself for dreaming that some day I can get what I really want.”
And the miracle happened. My heart opened. I saw the sweetness of Rod and how his style of expression has truly been perfect for me, even though it has not fit my image of perfection. I have put Rod through a lot, which is a story for another time. I don’t guess one man in ten million could have tolerated what I’ve dished out . It’s been his very nature of controlling his emotions, his desire to let me be me no matter how he feels about it, that’s allowed me to grow monumentally through this relationship. And he’s grown in turn, for his goal has not been the perfect relationship, but spiritual growth.
I do have the perfect relationship. And it doesn’t have to look a certain way. Perfection is in acceptance of this moment, as we connect to our inner Spirit and follow Its guidance. Perfection will never come someday.
As a Christian and a mother of 3 wanting to go into Child psychology, I just had to read this blog. I can say in many prospective's that I've been there, done that and I'm still young. I've been through a lot in what short period I've lived and it's opened my eyes to how imperfect the world is as well as made me a more understanding over people flaws and free will. There is no perfect person. I feel that there is always room to better myself too. Although I do believe that there is that imperfect person that fits each person perfectly. I know I've finally found that someone for me who is like a mirror vision of me inside. We are both flawed; but we work together good. I just pray that we have what it takes to keep growing together. I feel that takes communication and understanding mainly. Therefore, I feel for you in that regards. Anger does spread like wild fire and forgiveness is the key to the water.
ReplyDelete