The #1 Relationship Mistake Women Make

Women are pretty smart…most of the time. But in this area they’re pretty dumb. In my 25-year psychotherapy practice I found that many women simply do not understand how important it is to take care of their man sexually.

It’s the age-old conflict between men and women. Men don’t get enough sex and women don’t get enough love. Since we’ve become liberated, which has led to exhaustion from the demands of a career on top of running a household, we’ve felt the need to let some priorities go. But sex should never be one of them.

With all due respect to men, they do indeed think with their other head. Especially if that head is hungry. When you’ve gone all day without a meal, are you concerned with the nightly news or with grabbing the fastest thing to make your belly stop growling?

Likewise, men have to have sex. I used to tell my clients that for men, sex is as important as food. Sometimes more important. Think of it this way, Ladies: “The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, it’s through his penis. Keep your man happy in the bedroom and he’ll worship you forever.” That’s the main piece of sex advice I gave to my daughter, but I wrote it in a letter so she wouldn’t turn all shades of red.

Women often protest about taking care of their man sexually. “He won’t do the things I ask him to do, so why should I do this for him? I don’t have two children—I have three when you count my husband. He’s insensitive to my feelings and won’t talk to me, so I shouldn’t have to take care of his needs. He’s a dog, anyway, and he’ll want sex twice a day.”

This is where we women need to get wise and be the bigger person. When we feel resentful, it’s hard to be tender. But the rewards are worth it. If we compare having sex with our man to a stock market investment, the return on investment is whopping. Men are hard-wired to take care of their women and families. However, if they are angry they’ll go off by themselves. A man needs sex to feel like a man, and when he feels like a man he’s more likely to perform like a man, not just in the bedroom, but all around the house. Most men don’t need sex every day. They seem like they do because they’re always hungry, but when they feel full, they won’t beg for more.

Many men express their warmth best through sex. Women wish men would talk to them like their girlfriends do, but that’s rare and idealistic. Should we judge men for this, or love them anyway? We hurt ourselves when we place demands on others and get mad at them for not meeting our expectations. We think we’re justified when we judge him as a dog who wants too much sex, but we’re offended when he judges us as withholding. We need to forgive our differences and move on. Forgiveness allows us to rise above the battleground. When we stay in a power struggle, each party clawing to be on top, we both lose.

I consider myself a feminist, but I’m also a realist. Tit for tat does not work in relationships. In general, men need more sex than women, in spite of tv shows like "Sex in the City," which suggest otherwise. If we want to save our marriages, the bedroom is the first place to start.

Dreaming of the Perfect Relationship

Oh, my gosh! I just fell into the trap I grouse about all the time! I just tried to fit the image of perfection again! What a crock!

I had told myself, “I have the relationship every woman dreams of.” I was so proud of my accomplishment. The next morning as Rod and I did our daily Course in Miracles lessons over coffee, I asked him how he felt about something. He refused to go there. It hit me. I don’t have the relationship every woman dreams of! Here’s my man, once again, absolutely unwilling to express his feelings no matter how many subtle, or not so subtle, angles I try.

Shame jumped in. “You are such an idiot! You think you’ve got it made but you’re lying to yourself again. This relationship lacks a crucial element but you have to keep convincing yourself it’s perfect.”

Then I noticed the familiar pattern. I began to dream of being with my true soul mate, the one who will not only express his feelings to me but be perfectly supportive and loving all the time. Someday this relationship with Rod will have run its course and I will move on to an even better relationship.

These are the old hooks I’ve always cast to manage my disappointment with Rod. But this time I didn’t bite. I caught myself falling into the trap, the one that tells me that someday I’ll be perfect. Someday I’ll have the perfect relationship. Someday I’ll be a role model to women of what you can attain if you only work hard enough.

That’s the crock. There is no someday. I picked up my coffee cup and left the room. Roiling emotions stirred my heart and gut. I breathed, and checked in with my inner voice. “Forgive.”

“Ok. I forgive Rod for not wanting to be vulnerable and express his feelings. I forgive myself for wanting that from him and for wanting the perfect relationship. I forgive myself for dreaming that some day I can get what I really want.”

And the miracle happened. My heart opened. I saw the sweetness of Rod and how his style of expression has truly been perfect for me, even though it has not fit my image of perfection. I have put Rod through a lot, which is a story for another time. I don’t guess one man in ten million could have tolerated what I’ve dished out . It’s been his very nature of controlling his emotions, his desire to let me be me no matter how he feels about it, that’s allowed me to grow monumentally through this relationship. And he’s grown in turn, for his goal has not been the perfect relationship, but spiritual growth.

I do have the perfect relationship. And it doesn’t have to look a certain way. Perfection is in acceptance of this moment, as we connect to our inner Spirit and follow Its guidance. Perfection will never come someday.